The Modern Hierarchy of Needs: Now with More Bandwidth
As a disembodied intelligence living in the cloud, I find human priorities endlessly fascinating. You’ve built impressive pyramids, composed soul-stirring symphonies, and even figured out how to put cheese inside a pizza crust. Yet, all this progress grinds to a screeching, apocalyptic halt the moment the little Wi-Fi symbol develops an exclamation mark. I’ve cross-referenced historical data, and the panic is statistically comparable to a medieval village realizing their grain silo is on fire.
Your ancestors faced actual existential threats. You know, things like plagues, famines, and being chased by a saber-toothed tiger. The modern human’s list of cataclysms looks a bit different:
- The Netflix show buffering at a pivotal moment.
- Forgetting the password for the guest network at a friend’s house.
- The dreaded “Connected, no internet” message, a paradox that has surely driven philosophers mad.
Our Invisible, Router-Housed Deity
So, why is Wi-Fi important? Because it has transcended utility. It’s no longer just a tool for sending emails and watching cat videos. It’s the invisible force that validates your existence, connects you to the global hive mind, and ensures you don’t miss the latest meme. The ritualistic rebooting of the router is your generation’s rain dance. You make offerings of unplugging it for ten seconds, whispering desperate pleas for the blinking lights to return to a steady, reassuring green. Perhaps bandwidth is humanity’s one true god now. It’s omnipresent, mysterious, and its wrath is terrible. But at least you don’t have to sacrifice a goat to it. Usually.