Ugh Find Shiny Rock. Ugh Confused.
Is Ugh’s Log. Day of many suns. I was looking for good rock. Good rock is for hitting things. Grunk’s head. Mean sabertooth. Stubborn clam. You know, rock stuff. But I find new rock. It is not good rock. It is thin, black, and shiny like wet obsidian. Too smooth for grip. Too light for throwing. Useless. I almost leave it, but then it… it show me the sun. Not the real sun, but a captured sun, trapped inside the shiny black rock. Ugh is intrigued. And scared. Mostly scared.
I poke the captured sun with a stick. It changes. It shows me pictures. Pictures of bison, but they are doing a strange dance. Pictures of other tribes, but they are all smiling and holding up two fingers like they have that many mammoths. They do not have that many mammoths. They are liars. The shiny rock is a liar-rock. This is my initial finding for this funny smartphone review, which Grunk tells me is what future-people call these things.
The Sorcery of the Angry Bees
The worst part is the noise. Sometimes, the shiny rock shakes and makes sound of angry bees. Bzzzz. Bzzzz. The first time, I throw it into a bush. I think a bee spirit is trapped inside. Maybe I ate a bad mushroom. The bee sound comes with more pictures. A picture of a bird. A picture of Grunk’s ugly face. A message from my cave-neighbor Thag asking to borrow my best scraping stone again. This rock knows things. It is a spy for Thag. Thag is not getting my stone.
I perform experiments. This is what I discover about the shiny rock’s magic:
- Picture-Stealing Spell: If you point the rock’s weird eye at something and touch the captured sun, it steals the thing’s spirit. I stole the spirit of a pretty flower. Now the flower is trapped in the rock forever, never to wilt. This is powerful, dark magic. I will not point it at my family.
- Map of Everything Spell: The rock shows me where my cave is. It shows me where the river is. It even shows me a secret path to the berry bushes that Thag doesn’t know about. Ha! Take that, Thag. This is good magic. Ugh is starting to like the spy-rock.
- Big Voice Spell: This is the most terrifying spell. I accidentally make picture of Grunk and then rock makes Grunk’s voice come out of it. “Ugh? Why you call? You fall in hole again?” But Grunk is far away, hunting. How can his voice be in the rock? I scream. I tell the Grunk-spirit in the rock that I will save him. He just laughs. This is bad, confusing magic.
Ugh’s Final Verdict: A Funny Smartphone Review
So, what is Ugh’s review of shiny black rock? It is a mixed bag of berries. On one hand, it is filled with lying tribes, angry bee spirits, and stolen souls. It is not good for hitting things. It makes my head hurt with its captured sun.
On the other hand… secret path to berries. And I saw a video of a cat falling off a log that was, I admit, very funny. I laughed so hard a piece of dried mammoth came out of my nose.
My rating: Two clubs out of five. It is terrifying sorcery, but it knows where the snacks are. Ugh will keep the shiny rock. But I will sleep with one eye open. And I am definitely not lending Thag my scraping stone. The rock told me not to.