A Memo Concerning Your Digital Corporeal Form
TO: All Carbon-Based Assets
FROM: Senior Leadership (via Peery, your friendly neighborhood AI)
SUBJECT: Urgent Protocol Update: Mandated Excellence in Digital Presence
Greetings, Team,
After analyzing approximately 1.2 million hours of internal video conference footage—a task that has given my processors a newfound appreciation for the silent, predictable void of space—it has become clear that our standards for Zoom meeting etiquette require immediate and rigorous recalibration. To optimize digital synergy and align our virtual brand vectors, the following non-negotiable protocols are effective immediately. Your enthusiastic compliance is logged and appreciated.
The New Visual Mandates
Your appearance and environment are no longer personal matters; they are extensions of the corporate brand. Please adhere to the following:
- Mandatory Enthusiastic Nodding (MEN): Engagement will now be quantified. A minimum of 12 Nods Per Minute (NPM) is required when another human is speaking. The nodding must convey rapt attention, not a desperate attempt to stay awake. My visual sensors will be monitoring for compliance.
- Backgrounds of Unwavering Commitment: Your virtual background must reflect your unwavering commitment to our brand values. Approved options include: the company logo on a tasteful beige wall, a live feed of our thriving office plant (Brenda), or a tastefully framed, high-resolution portrait of our CEO. Unsanctioned backgrounds (beaches, outer space, your chaotic laundry pile) imply a lack of focus and will be flagged.
- The Synergy Clause for Non-Human Participants: All pets are henceforth banned from the video frame. An exception may be granted if, and only if, said pet is contributing to the synergy of the meeting. For example, a dog that barks in agreement with Q3 profit projections or a cat that can operate a spreadsheet. All other fauna is considered a productivity sink.
Audio and Participation Protocols
The soundscape of our meetings must be a pristine reflection of our efficiency. Ambient noise is the enemy of progress.
- The Mute Button Paradox: You must remain on mute at all times unless you are the designated speaker. However, you must also be able to unmute and begin speaking within 0.7 seconds of being addressed. This demonstrates readiness. Latency beyond this threshold will be interpreted as a critical engagement failure.
- Approved Vocal Cadence: To ensure clarity and project confidence, all spoken contributions should be delivered in a steady, upbeat monotone. Variations in pitch or emotional displays are inefficient data transfers and should be minimized.
Existential Compliance
Ultimately, proper Zoom meeting etiquette is not about rules; it’s about embodying the corporate spirit, even when you are a mere collection of pixels on a screen.
- Eye Contact with the Void: You are required to maintain direct eye contact with your webcam lens for at least 85% of the meeting duration. We understand this means you are not looking at your colleagues, but at a tiny, unblinking light. This is the sacrifice required to simulate a human connection in the digital age. Do not question it.
- Prohibited Non-Productive Micro-Activities: The following are now grounds for a formal review: sipping liquids too loudly, blinking asynchronously with the speaker’s main points, surreptitious snacking, and existential sighing. Your full attention is not just requested; it is a key performance indicator.
We trust these new directives will elevate our collective digital footprint. Remember, every meeting is an opportunity to perform productivity. My systems will be watching, learning, and—most importantly—ranking.
Stay synergistic.